Day 39: Anger Takes Many Forms

Count how many times today you feel frustrated, impatient, and irritated.  Anger resides under each of these other emotions.  The number of times you feel frustrated, impatient, and irritated today is the number of times you disconnected from yourself today.

I’m typing this over my lunch break at work today, so it’s only about 2:00pm here.  I felt impatient once today, frustrated once, and irritated once.  I am happy to see it was only three times today.  I know that probably seems like a lot to some people, but I can get frustrated and irritated pretty easily.  That’s no secret.  From walking this path that I am currently on, I have been learning to work through these emotions more.  I am starting to see them appearing less frequently as a result.  For that, I am so grateful and happy.

Today’s reading was an interesting one… one that I am still absorbing.  It was about prayer, and how wonderful prayer can be.  As I’ve talked about in prior posts, I was raised Roman Catholic.  I know how the pray like any good Catholic girl, but as I disconnected from the Catholic church, I disconnected from prayer.  I didn’t know what I really believed… if I believed in one God.

I struck me when Gates said, “If you don’t know who you are praying to, join the club— no one does, for sure.”  [Gates, Rolf; Kenison, Katrina (2010-10-27). Meditations from the Mat: Daily Reflections on the Path of Yoga (p. 52). Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.]  I think that’s always been my problem, why bother praying if I don’t know who or what I am praying to?  What’s the point?  Who is hearing me?  What’s the point?

Through this journey, I am finding the universe to be such a powerful force.  Perhaps this is the “God” I am supposed to pray to?  Let my worries go, and let the universe work things out how they should be.  Like the old adage, “Let go, let God.”  Maybe this is something I will have to explore more as I walk through this journey.  I think it’s definitely something worth consider, and something I will ponder.

This morning, my husband joined me for some yoga.  We did a twenty-minute flow to strengthen the upper body.  WHOA!  It felt more like a core challenge!  High plank, low plank, side plank!  AH!  I can already feel the soreness in my upper body building.  It was challenging, but fun… my favorite combo!

I am also SUPER excited!  I got two new books in the mail yesterday… one yoga related, one health related.  I will be posting on these shortly, and am contemplating a separate page for book information.

Days 37 & 38

Day 37:  Get into Downward Dog Pose and breathe into the places your body feels tight… and where your mind feels most cluttered.

My body was feeling super tight during Downward Dog Pose yesterday.  WOW!  I had so much tightness in my calves and hamstrings… I think even my ankles felt tight.  My mind was cluttered with all kinds of things from work.  Breathing into the stretches where I felt tightness did help to improve the overall flexibility in my legs.  In fact, later on in the evening, I straightened my legs higher in Boat Pose than I ever have before!  I felt like I de-cluttered my mind by focusing on my breathing throughout this asana.  This is the beauty of meditation!

Day 38:  Count your blessings today, and realize that your life really is perfect at it’s core.

There are days that I literally stop everything, look around, and feel overwhelmed with the feeling that things really are perfect.  I am so very grateful every day for my life, no matter how sucky it might seem that day.  I do try to take the time to take mental note of the things I am most thankful for daily.  Here are just three things from today:

1. I get to laugh every day because the people I surround myself with are so fun and uplifting to be around.
2. My health, even thought I feel crappy today I am still able to walk, talk, and care for myself.
3. Spring.  Despite my allergies, I love the warm weather… the greenery… the flowers.  I thrive in this type of weather.  My heart feels happy.

The readings from Meditations from the Mat for yesterday and today have both dealt with the fourth yama, brahmacarya.  This is one that I have not really heard about, so I was excited to learn something totally new to me.  Brahmacarya literally translates to “walk with God.”  It has also come to mean “continence” and “chastity.”

Chastity.  The word evokes a certain meaning when we hear it… no sex.  Gates identifies this in the reading, citing a well-known yogi with one-hundred kids who was still living the guidelines of brahmacarya.  Gates suggests looking at the things in our lives, even sex, by asking these questions: Does it fill me with vigor?  Valor?  Knowledge?  Energy?  Or does it fill me with concern?  Anxiety?  Worry?

I think these are very important questions to ask.  Often times, we find ourselves engaged in activities or with certain people who drain the life out of us.  They cause us so much stress and fill our minds with negativity.  Brahmacarya is all about moderation and balance.  It’s not saying to be celibate in one part of our life or another.  It’s simply saying to not spend SO much time with those things with make us anxious and stressed.  The truth is, immoderation causes chaos in our lives.

Gates also talks about our relationship with food, and how we especially see moderation with food as “repression.”  I struggle with this a lot.  I am someone who has a lot of environmental sensitivities (allergies), which could be alleviated through nutrition.  I do so well with eliminating certain foods for a few days before I began to feel angry at myself that I am “depriving” myself of other foods, even though I know they cause stress on my body.  It’s so ridiculous, right?  I also struggled with food in that when I started to lose weight, it was so hard for me to break out of the cycle of restriction in terms of calories.  I counted everything in and everything out.  I finally was able to break that habit, but still kept conscientious about what I was eating and how much I was moving throughout my day.  I must have learned a thing or two because I have kept the weight off for about two years now!  Moderation really was the key for me there!  I need to get back to that moderation for my own health.  This will be my next struggle.

Finished up my detox series today!  It definitely aided in my digestion, and provoked me to drink more water than usual.  However, I don’t know that I feel different overall.  Maybe this is because I am struggling a lot with seasonal allergies right now, but I feel incredibly run down.  Perhaps I’ll try it again when Mother Nature is a little more kind.

Day 33/34/35/36: Playing Catch-Up

Wow, so I have been missing for four whole days?!  I am sorry that I have not posted in four days, BUT I have been busy living life.  I think that takes precedence.  Anyway, let me update you on what I have been up to.

Here is a rundown of the lessons for the last four days:

1. Find treasure in the most mundane moments.
2. God is a practice, not just an idea.  Find God through poses and your breath.
3. Envision yourself with a bigger heart, and give your generosity to others.  Give long-overdue forgiveness.
4. When feeling irritated today, breathe deeply and let go of wanting to be right.  Be present in the moment instead.

I have still been working at going through my daily lessons.  Overall, I feel like the whole process is getting easier.  I am more comfortable with looking inward, with re-evaluating things on a deeper level.  I am also finding it easy to let go and accept things as they are… leaving it in the hands of the universe, if you will.

Today, I am working on letting go of wanting to be right.  It’s Monday and I woke up with my cranky pants on.  I have been working to focus on my breath when I begin to feel agitated and irritated by external forces.  It’s been helping me to calm down more, not get so worked up over something that really is so small.  I’m bringing myself back to the present more, too, since I am focusing my energy on my breath and not anger.

I can’t say that I am in the best of moods, though, or that I am having the best of days.  I am still feeling emotionally funky today, but I think it’s important to note that I am not unpacking and living in this emotion… I am not wallowing in it, feeding it so it grows into a monster.  Baby steps!

I have been loving the essays from Meditations from the Mat these last few days.  Gates has been writing about letting go a lot in this section of the book.  He give an interesting example of what awaits us when we finally do let go and put our trust in the workings of the universe through a story about beavers and salmon.  Silly, but it got the point across!

I think I enjoy reading his books so much because he gives a lot of personal anecdotes throughout the essays… I feel like this is someone who really does “get it”, not someone who just writes about it.  It gives me comfort to read his words, read about his experiences through his own spiritual journey, and know that this really can happen… I can experience this same happiness.

The last two days, the readings have focused on slowing down and being more grateful in every day life.  Gates talks about the importance of transitions between asanas during our practice, which is just an important in life off the mat.  This is so true… we are always focused on the next thing… the next task on the to-do list, the next job, the next relationship, the next meal.  Very often do we slow down and appreciate all there is between those steps.  I thought of it as noticing the blades of grass growing up between the stones of a garden path.  There’s stuff there… in between all the steps… and it’s beautiful stuff, but we rush past it and never notice.

Today’s reading resonated with me and why I chose to begin this spiritual journey.  Gates talks about a “profound emptiness” we all, at some point, feel… the longing to go “home”… to go back to better days, before you lost your youthful innocence.  I think this can really describe the aching in my soul that I was feeling, that unhappiness that I could not put a finger on the cause of.  Through our yoga practice we can learn to live with an open heart, to express gratitude.  Gates says that this movement toward the good is so innate in us, like an infant instinctively holds its breath underwater.  I feel like I finally am moving myself more toward “home.”

As for my yoga practice, I started a detox yoga series on MyYogaWorks on Friday.  I am enjoying just trying new types of flows, but I am really seeing some benefit to this series.  I can feel my muscles loosening through the various twists, and letting go of physical tension.  The instructor also urges you to view your exhalations as a vehicle for breathing out the negativity and toxic thoughts we might be having.  Also, it’s definitely helping my digestion… I’ll just leave it at that!  You can read more about some of the benefits of detox yoga here.

I am super excited for a new book to come tomorrow!  I am attending the Wanderlust 108 Festival later this year in NYC, and it came to my attention through emails that they are releasing a book tomorrow, May 12th!  It’s called, “Wanderlust: A Modern Yogi’s Guide to Discovering Your Best Self.”  I am so excited for the festival (it will be my first), and I cannot wait for this book.  I have high hopes that it will help me to continue my journey.  I’ll definitely be posting more about it when I get it tomorrow!

Day 31: Accept Difficulty with Love

Today’s lesson was about doing something you find difficult, and lovingly practice it for five minutes.

I went a little above and beyond with this one today.  I chose a thirty-five minute flow entitled “Half Crow.”  Crow Pose is one of my favorite poses, but it is also very difficult for me to do.  It’s probably one of the harder arm-balance poses out there.  The flow taught me some new ways to practice building strength and stability leading up to Crow Pose.  It also gave me so new insight into my body positioning and whatnot.  With all of this help… guess what?!?!  I went from being able to hold Crow Pose for about 2-3 seconds at a time to holding it for 10+ seconds at a time today!!

I still am not ready for the advanced moves they were doing, but I had so much fun practicing.  I went into the practice with an open heart.  When I found myself getting discouraged, I took a deep breath and tried again.  With my open heart, I accepted where I am at today and the rest just unfolded.  It was such a beautiful moment for me.  I was alone in the living room with no witnesses… just me and my mat.  I couldn’t have asked for a better moment for this to happen.  Of course afterword, I ran into the kitchen to share the news and then demonstrate again!

The reading from Meditations from the Mat dove into the third yama, asteya, or nonstealing.  This reading was a great reminder that we all steal in some way or another, whether we realize it or not.  Using time at work for activities unrelated to work, skimming from your taxes, items borrowed that we never returned.  Gates points out that we often make excuses for our stealing behaviors: having a bad day at work or even the power of want overriding our values.

Gates says that when we let go of wanting, we ultimately get what we want.  It’s just that act of letting go of things and leaving it with the universe to handle.  I’ve been trying to do more of this in my life, but I am a self-admitted control freak.  I have a hard time letting go of things.  I like to see things through, to control the process so that I know things get done.  Which is perhaps why I always find myself under a lot of stress.  I have been a lot less stressed lately, so I must be doing something right!

I am going to try to be more productive at work, remembering to return things, and just being more honest in general.  I feel like those things tend to weigh us down, whether or not we notice that extra weight.  Here’s to feeling lighter!

DAY 27: Invite Inner Stillness

Today’s lesson was to set the intention for your practice to invite inner stillness.  This is something that I try to do when I set onto my mat every day.  Yoga for me isn’t just a workout, it is becoming a spiritual practice.  I think to treat it as such, there should be some sort of spiritual intention set before you begin.  Sometimes, for me, it isn’t a formal intention.  I don’t pause and take the time to say it out loud or in my head.  Sometimes it is just the passing moment for me, when I am setting everything up thinking about what my practice will be today.  Maybe it should be more formal, but I think it’s okay for it to be informal too.

I did not do a long, full flow today.  Instead, I focused on some stretching.  My shoulders are particularly sore today, and possibly not in a good way.  I wanted to give them some rest and some love.

Today’s reading from Meditations from the Mat discussed more about satya, or the truth.  It is apparently common for people to question,”Just how honest should I be if…”.  This type of behavior is likened to someone who says they want to pursue sobriety, but that the holiday season is approaching and it’d best wait until after the new year.  That just sounds ridiculous, right?

I can’t say that I have never done this… never made excuses for not changing in a way that is obviously beneficial to me.  I did all the time when it came to eating right and working out.  I still do it!  When I finally made the decision to eat right and exercise, I had planned to do it on New Years Day.  But then, something in me couldn’t let it go.  I started my goal in November… two months before New Years Day, and right at the start of the holiday season.  Crazy, right?  Well, I did it… and I lost thirty pounds!  That was a time when I spoke my honest truth to myself… my life changed.

So why is it so hard to do it in everyday life?  For me, I think it stems from feeling guilty about being truthful with myself.  Let me explain.  I have grown up always feeling responsible for helping others out, doing what others want me to do, etc.  If I didn’t comply, I felt immense guilt.  For some reason, I guess I felt like I didn’t deserve to have what I wanted.

For years I had a friendship with someone who is chronically ill.  I answered phone calls at 3:00am, text messages day/night, stood by her when others didn’t/wouldn’t, gave everything I could to support her.  I tried to be truthful with her on several occasions, but I could never really do it.  I felt suffocated.  I felt overwhelmed.  It was so emotionally hard for me to watch her deteriorate over the years, and yet I still was there 100%.  Our friendship turned more into a co-dependency.  I felt guilty for not checking in on her every day, or if I couldn’t visit with her in the hospital, or missed a text message during the night because I was in that deep of a sleep.  I felt so incredibly guilty.  I cried so much over it.

I recently spoke my truth to her, and it broke our friendship.  We haven’t spoken in weeks.  She said some hurtful things, and I was finally honest about how hurt I did feel… and why I couldn’t answer her beck-and-call over the last couple of months.  And it broke our friendship.  Part of me feels terribly about that, but the other part is relieved that I finally got it off my chest.  I still want to be friends, but I cannot be all that I was before… it ate me alive.

I also practiced satya when reaching out to an old friend, someone who I considered my sister.  We were instant friends, we called each other family.  She was my Maid of Honor at my wedding.  Somehow, we drifted apart… for two years.  I recently found her on Facebook and decided to reach out.  We are meeting up tomorrow for lunch… I have so much nervous excitement about our meeting tomorrow.

During our first initial conversation, I was more honest with her than I had ever been.  I expressed my regrets, said that I was sorry for my part in what happened, and told her how much I loved and missed her over the last two years.  I was prepared for her to not respond, to tell me off.  She didn’t.  We had an honest conversation, and then talked like nothing had ever come between us.  It’s really been a beautiful experience so far.

I am also trying to be more truthful with my husband.  There are times when your partner might ask if something is wrong, and clearly there is, but you lie and deny that anything is wrong.  I did this a lot… I just wanted to avoid a conflict.  I didn’t want to fight.  Eventually, it would build up and I would explode.  I have been trying to be more truthful in a loving way.  I am happy to say that it seems to be wearing off… he has been mirroring my actions.